Monday, July 29, 2013

My Breaking Point

First off I want to say: I'm jumping on board and going to do the advocare 10 day cleanse, I hope its here in time for me to start on August 1st. Is there anyone out there who would like to do it with me?? If you are interested in doing it go HERE to order. And send me a message or leave me a comment and let me know your doing it to!

Now back to the reason for todays post....

As you are all well aware of, I turned my life around on 1-1-13 to get healthy and lose weight. It was a change that was a long time coming and after a ton of starts to diets and programs with failure just a few days in, things finally clicked for me. Read about me and how I began my journey HERE

With that story I left out my breaking point, when I couldn't take being overweight any more and knew it was time to kick ass and take names.


Because I was ashamed, embarrassed and just not ready to put my self that far out there.

Now I am.

Here it goes..

There were a few that really led up to the tip of the ice berg, where I knew I needed to change for the better. I remember all of these incidents very vividly and I remember crying each time and feeling so ashamed of what happened to me.

*When I looked at all of the pictures of our wedding and honeymoon and cried. When I saw the pictures from the honeymoon and realized I only wore 2 shirts the entire time. Both baggy and figure hiding, both XL sizes, both barely fit. That's all I could stand to wear. A closet full of cute clothes and 2 shirts is what I was reduced too.
Two measly shirts.

* I was aware of my weight, but at this point it really didn't bother me. I was comfortable in life. I went to work in a new sundress that belted under the boobs and I was feeling really good about myself. Feeling pretty. When a lady I worked with comes right up to me and ask "hows your baby growing?" I looked at her puzzled. She proceeded to say "isn't your due date coming up soon?" I quickly informed her that I was not pregnant. She looked at me said "oh" and walked away. The nerve of her. My face burned red from embarrassment  as I went to the bathroom stared at myself and picked apart myself and cried softly sitting in a blob on the floor. I texted my husband and he told me not to let it bother me and that I was beautiful. I no longer felt beautiful. I felt repulsive  I wanted to go home. I wanted to slide under the covers of my bed and cry myself to sleep. Luckily I changed jobs due to opportunity with in a month. The lady, an older one at that, didn't mean any harm, but she sure killed my confidence that day and to this day I have never worn that dress again. I haven't even tried it on now. I just can't, It bothers me and breaks my heart.

* One night I decided to take a nice relaxing bath, no big deal right? Wrong.
I filled the tub with hot water and epson salt, came back when it was full and I stepped in and laid down. I closed my eyes thinking I was going to begin to relax. Opened my eyes to see that my stomach wasn't under water. I hadn't had this problem before, no matter which way I turned I couldn't get completely covered with water. I was ashamed! I began to immeditatly bawl my eyes out, I cried so much I made myself sick, my throat burned from crying and I had no more tears to shed. I crawled out of the tub grabbed a towel, went to wrap it around me and stopped dead in my tracks. The towel didn't go all the way around me. I began to cry again, I hurried to dry off ran to our bedroom, through on my sweats and went and curled up in bed and cried softly into my pillow until I fell asleep. When I woke up, still feeling the sadness of the night before I went straight to the couch and just watched tv while I searched the internet about healthy lifestyles. I cried on and off the entire day. Didn't eat, didn't drink anything. I just wasn't hungry or thirsty I was disgusted with myself and was sick from crying..

I was done. I didn't fit in my bathtub like I used to and I never wanted to feel  the way I did the night before again. I began researching like a maniac on the internet about, workout programs, healthy eating, proper nutrition and everything in between. I grabbed a trash bag and through out anything that looked unhealthy and things I knew would be my vice.

Thats the key to a lifestyle change. It has to click, you have to really want it with every fiber of your being, you have to want to change and make your life better. You have to want to put in the effort. You have to be strong enough not to quit when it gets hard. 

Don't underestimate the things that I will do

You have to keep going when everyone else is against you.
People are going to do everything they can to make you feel bad and bring you down. Why? I still don't know. The best I can figure is that they are jealous. 
Haters gonna hate, potato's gonna po-tate.

People told me slow my roll I'm screaming out fuck that

Imma do just what I want lookin’ ahead no turnin’ back

Research is also important, you have to see what you want to change and how to do it healthily. Slow changes ensure a long term change. Fast changes result in binges, short lived results, and most than likely weight gain.
Do whats best for you, start slow, don't jump off the couch and expect to run a marathon, don't try to starve yourself. Do little things slowly and everything else begins to fall in place behind it. Before long its not just a habit anymore it becomes your lifestyle. You go on living your life, and life gets better for you. You being to feel better about yourself, others notice and they get inspired, they complement you and your confidence goes up. Then that confidence keeps you going harder, faster and longer.

I feel so much better about every aspect of my life now. I haven't been sick once this year. I feel better, I'm not wearing a sweat shirt in the middle of summer to hide my body. Yeah I really wore sweatshirts in 100 plus degree weather to hide behind. My relationship with my husband has improved. 
Most importantly.
I'm happy.

I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold. I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be good.

Pursuit of Happiness by Kid Cudi was on constant reply while I researched and camped out on the couch, for some reason it just really soothed me.

Need some soothing, get happy songs? I reccomend:
Pursuit of Happiness - Kid Cudi
Good Morning -Chamillionaire
Carry On - Fun
Lights - Ellie Goulding
Mirror - Lil Wayne & Bruno Mars
Some Nights - Fun
Wide Awake - Katy Perry
Rolling in the Deep - Adele
Take Care - Rihanna Ft Drake
Fly - Nicki Minaj

Now the only time I cry because of my body, it has been happy tears. Happy I've came so far, happy I didn't let anyone get to me and stop my progress. Happy I'm who I am. Happy I hit a PR here or there.

I'm happy.

Along my journey If I can motivate some one else to make a lifestyle change and they get happy too. I hope that they inspire some one else. I hope for it to be a fitness domino chain reaction. Happy people motivating and supporting each other.

Ps. I'm here to support you in anyway. Ask whatever you need. Ask whatever you want. I'm very open anymore about my journey and everything in between.
Don't be shy, I share more with you guys than I do with some of my friends!

Have a great Monday Ya'll!!!

After working 8 days straight I'm finally off and going to head to Salina to get my hair done (FINALLY) and do some light shopping with my momma, maybe bring home a new mattress for the hubs and I! (we need a new one!)
What are you doing this week?

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