When I was bigger, I knew I was big, hell my clothes reminded me of that daily. But I never felt "that" big. I didn't feel like I was as overweight as I really was. I was by no means happy with my body but I didn't think it was THAT bad.
Looking back now, its a whole lot of Oh damn! I CAN'T BELIEVE I WAS THAT BIG! How'd I let that happen?!?!?! Little Debbie gave me a helping hand...
Clothing was an issue, the whole admitting to yourself that your really not that size anymore, that you need to go up the size, no matter if you want to or not. Many a times I cried in the dressing room and left with out buying anything, only to go home upset and eat my feelings as I lived out my days in a sweat pants prison. It was a hard thing to really come to terms with.
Now I'm having a hard time grasping the reality that I've gotten smaller, even dare I say, Skinny??
The dressing room is a whole new challenge.
The jeans I had gotten not to long ago were already loose. So I made a trip into the store for shits and giggles to try the next size down.
I bought them and took them home and as they laid there all tiny and new, staring at me, I couldn't believe that they belonged to me.
I was wearing a 28 jean. I'd never been that small, even at my smallest in highschool I didn't wear that size! This year back in January I was wearing 32's or 33's now here in October I was in a 28?! How was that possible!? I didn't feel as tiny as those jeans looked laying on the chair...
It's a tough spot to be in.
Its motivation to keep in that size but it's also a struggle. Cause if they were to get to tight, I'd know I'd let myself down. But If I keep in them I get to relive that happiness I had in the dressing room.
A vicious cycle.
This is where the saying "you are more than a number" and "a number doesn't define your beauty" comes into play. Yes they are more than true, but the hard part is getting your mind to live by that rule as well.
Oh body image, you are a pain in the ass.
The cycle will live on, whether we like it or not.