Body Image -- The devil incarnate.

When I was bigger, I knew I was big, hell my clothes reminded me of that daily. But I never felt "that" big. I didn't feel like I was as overweight as I really was. I was by no means happy with my body but I didn't think it was THAT bad.

Looking back now, its a whole lot of Oh damn! I CAN'T BELIEVE I WAS THAT BIG! How'd I let that happen?!?!?! Little Debbie gave me a helping hand...

Clothing was an issue, the whole admitting to yourself that your really not that size anymore, that you need to go up the size, no matter if you want to or not. Many a times I cried in the dressing room and left with out buying anything, only to go home upset and eat my feelings as I lived out my days in a sweat pants prison. It was a hard thing to really come to terms with.

Fast forward.

Now I'm having a hard time grasping the reality that I've gotten smaller, even dare I say, Skinny??

The dressing room is a whole new challenge.

The jeans I had gotten not to long ago were already loose. So I made a trip into the store for shits and giggles to try the next size down. 

They fit.

I bought them and took them home and as they laid there all tiny and new, staring at me, I couldn't believe that they belonged to me.

Me!

I was wearing a 28 jean. I'd never been that small, even at my smallest in highschool I didn't wear that size! This year back in January I was wearing 32's or 33's now here in October I was in a 28?! How was that possible!? I didn't feel as tiny as those jeans looked laying on the chair...

It's a tough spot to be in.

Its motivation to keep in that size but it's also a struggle. Cause if they were to get to tight, I'd know I'd let myself down. But If I keep in them I get to relive that happiness I had in the dressing room. 

A vicious cycle.

This is where the saying "you are more than a number" and "a number doesn't define your beauty" comes into play. Yes they are more than true, but the hard part is getting your mind to live by that rule as well.

Oh body image, you are a pain in the ass.

The cycle will live on, whether we like it or not.

Sigh.

-J

Weekend Recap, Back on The Fast Track

It's Monday, Monday, gotta go to work on Monday..looking forward to the work week...Commuting commuting, Yeah!

-- Okay no. 

Theres a reason the song was called Friday... so much more to look forward too..

For me this last weekend was one to celebrate, some how, some way, I managed to drop a pant size. 

BOOM!

The back pair is jeans that I just BARELY squeezed and stuffed myself into at the beginning of the year and the top pair is my new ones. 5-6 pants size difference here..

Wowzers.

If you hang out with me in the blogging world, then you know that last week, I confessed to some shitty mcshit shit eating habits, you can catch up HERE.

But after that world wide web confession, I cracked the whip on my self and got down to business and have managed to get my self back on track, WHOO HOO!! It really was just a head game, so every time I was bored hungry, I told my self now and had a bottle of water instead -- I have been peeing like a russian race horse as of lates!

I'm still killing it with Shaun T and Focus T25, I'm not an endorser or any such for him or Beach Body, but DAMMNNNN. This T25 is awesome. Like I have never been so in love with a workout program before. 

Confession: I like them too much...I do one or two videos on the "rest days" and I usually do an extra video every day... and well I just did four today...

I can't help it.

I think I may be addicted to working out. I have had some personal stuff going on lately and to keep my mind off of things I cannot change, I've just been focusing all that energy into other outlets and for me working out just makes me feel good and helps relax and ease my mind.

Yesterday was a sad day in Instagram world, one of my blog-idols, Holly lost her furbaby. I'm like a total mushy mush baby when it comes to furbabies. So this was a big deal to me, and I hugged my little apple head Chihuahua a little tighter. She had no idea what was going on, just that she got cheese and extra belly rubbin'. But for real if I wasn't married i'd more than likely have  27 small dogs in a one bedroom apartment...this will also be a reality when I'm a old timer if I become widowed. It was actually kind of awesome to see the support that instagram/blogging community has to offer, over a hundred people gave their furbabies a piece of cheese in remembrance of Chauncey and posted with #cheeseforchauncey. 

Theres still good in this world, at least I see the good through this community.

So I've been surfing Pintrest for some new recipe ideas for my upcoming 24 day Advocare Challenge and I came across this.... No it's not cleanse approved, but with Thanksgiving just a few days after the end of my cleanse and all the temptation I'll be up against I think I'll be whipping these bad boys up to help keep my face out of the pies, cakes and cookies.. Don't they look delicious?!?!!

Check out the recipe for Cinnamon Oat Baked Apples HERE.

Oh upcoming holidays, be kind to this fatty in transition...

How was your weekend?

Favorite food your looking forward to this fall?

-J

Attempting The American Dream {{5onFriday}}

Happy Friday!!!

In our world, it's errand day basically. It's our day off together so we will be taking the car for an oil change, going after groceries and the normal adult activities we must partake in. But I want to keep this whole lot of real life going down action in good spirits so 5 on Friday with the amazing Darci at the Good Life Blog it is!!!!

Bleh.

Nahh, I actually really like grocery shopping!

Speaking of groceries, I made this sweet little pre workout treat and I might be addicted. 

{one}

Cinnamon Walnuts.

I took a few walnuts, sprayed them with spray butter and sprinkled (covered) in cinnamon and microwaved them for 45 seconds. OOHH baby they were good, just a little sweetness and warm like any fall snack should be :D

{{two}}

The hubs and I have an "American Dream". 

Who doesn't? 

Currently we live in BFE Kansas. 

Yeehaw. 

Not.

I'm originally from the great Show Me State, Missouri. (GO MIZZOU!!) And I've lived in a few different towns here in Kansas and overall I'm just not impressed. The hubs has lived in the same town his entire life and hasn't traveled much. Me I have traveled through many a states and seen the variety there is out there. We both really enjoy outdoors and love rainy weather, so it was a no brainer that we choose Washington (am I the only hick out there that says worsh-ing-ton??). Theres an beautiful town just outside of Seattle called North Bend. The hubs has a friend that lives there and we just fell in love after a few pictures of the town.

Gosh its just so beautiful...

Anyone from around that area?!?

Downside.

Moving is expensive.

 Bleh. 

Especially moving from the midwest to the West Coast.... BLAHH. But were trying, were working towards. Its hard and somedays it seems like we won't ever get there. But we HAVE to keep pushing forward. We won't get anywhere with a shitty attitude thats for sure. We are very lucky in the way that we don't have student loans or such. Our only "debt" is pretty minimal. And we are extremely close to paying it all off. In fact, we have three forms of "debt" and we just paid one off!! WHOO HOOO!!! 

We are pretty damn excited.

We are saving each month for the move and such and we are going to dedicate our tax return to it. We have every last hope to be there before summer or 2014, within the next 6 months. 

We want to start our "life" there basically. Just a nice fresh start. Job wise we are just watching the classifieds that way to see if anything opens up, for the hubs if he finds something and can Skype interview for it (getting more and more common these days, weird.) he'll be on a plane up there and will crash with his buddy while he apartment shops.

We are trying to keep our hopes high and a positive attitude about it all but being an adult sucks somedays, emergencies happen and the unexpected can ruin your plans and kick you into high gear to get the hell out of places sooner. But we aren't going in blindly, we are doing our best to be fully prepared.

I think of it just like my weight loss situations. Some days are good, some are bad, but there is an end in sight. 

Goals set, mind focused and willingness to work hard and you can accomplish anything you want!!

Any long distance moving tips?!

{2 1/2}

I will miss my parents a lot, but when there in the Islands they will be close to visit and well thats a good enough excuse to visit Hawaii for me!! ( who really needs an excuse?)

It saddens me a little writing this, as I'm so close to my parents now...I was a hell child so the relationship we have now is the best! So I'm listening to a little George Jones cause some of his songs remind me of some good trips with my parents listening to him.

{{{three}}}

So I FINALLY got my Diamond Candle for my birthday from the hubs, he got me Island Getaway. DAMN it smells so nice, like it makes you want to relax!!! It was fun too getting the ring out...I'm guilty I "helped" the candle out and dug a little, ONLY A LITTLE, I just couldn't wait. I suck with surprises! The ring is really pretty!! 

{{{{four}}}}

I have ordered my Advocare 24 day challenge pack to start on November first, and I am so SO SOOOOO EXCITED! EEEEK. I'm a bit of a fitness freak any more so stuff like this just excites me!! I've done the 10 day cleanse before but this time I'm in it to win it. 

Any great recipes?!?

{{{{{five}}}}}

So I was up at #33 on Up and Coming Fitness blogs on Bloglovin, and my followers there have been increasing as well. And I just wanted to take a second and Thank all of you who support me and my journey and who actually care what I have to say. When I started this blog my primary goal was accountability, then inspirations, and friends. I have met (internet wise) some amazing ladies along this journey, I have created and received inspiration and had an amazing support group! You guys rock!!!!! Maybe a giveaway sometime?!? hehe!

Now to make a grocery list. Excited for my "treat" meal today in the bigger town :D

Whats your weekend plans?

Where do you want to move too? Why?

- J

The Daily Struggle & Playlist Update {{WOW Link up}}

Ugh.

I'm always upfront and honest on here, cause thats what I think you guys want most, it's what I like when I read blogs, some one honest, real and relatable. 

Sorry for the lack there of magic and fluffy unicorn poo here.

But for real, lately my eating has just sucked. 

And in the worst way possible.

I've been bored eating a lot, not even on bad foods, thats the kicker here, i've been over eating on the healthy stuff. I'm not even really hungry. I just WANT the food. That really is the hardest thing to cope with when trying to lose weight and maintain a healthy lifestyle. I want to eat the shit food, I want to eat the healthy food. 

I.Just.Want.Food.

90% of the time I'm not even hungry, I just WANT it. Most of the time I can fend it off and control myself, but come on I'm only human.

It sucks cause the girls I work with either are skinny and eat what they want and don't care and then there are the girls who are just comfortable how they are and eat what they want. No one is concerned with their health -- AT ALL. We have monthly meetings and if its your birthday month you get to pick a cake flavor you want. I choose a fruit plate for the meeting today and everyone stared at me like I was from another planet. Like sorry folks I don't want the cake, I don't need the cake, I want fresh fruit. But these same girls ALWAYS and I mean ALLLLLLWWAAAYYYYSSS have shit food they bring and keep in the breakroom to share. 

Ugh.

My weakness...Lofthouse Sugar Cookies, these were a vise of mine when I was bigger, I'm not going to lie, I could down the whole package with out a second thought and still want more. These were like Jesus tears plated in gold to my fatty mcpatty self. Now I see them and I remember them and I want one, so so so bad, but I tell myself no and then heres the issue. To keep myself from eating something bad I substitute it with something good. Not a bad idea right? 

Most of the time.

Lately I've been OVER substituting with the good stuff and then I've just made it worse by eating more of this than I needed/wanted too.

(I love all these healthy options a little too much)

I haven't managed to gain any weight back (thank you baby Jesus) but I'm not losing any at all. And I know I'm to blame. So yesterday I decided to reallly be hard on myself. Every time I wanted to eat shit food, I got it and then I stepped on it, then I couldn't eat it at all. To the trash it went. Well it seemed to work for the day. 

But I made it through one day, so the next day will be easier, right?

I just got to get my mind back in the game. I too quickly forget how far I've come and focus on how far I'm not going. Its tough.

School of hard knocks, I'm a grad.

I know what I got to do to get back on track. And Its all in my head, my mind is whats being fat. That is where I need to get things straight.

Any tips out there to help keep your mind on track?!

Now as always, Linking up with Skinny Meg for Workout Wednesday

Today I'm giving ya'll a playlist. This is what I listen to when I run or when I'm doing my own thing and need to just get down and power through.

Acapella -Karmin

Applause -Lady Gaga

Berzerk - Eminem

Best Song Ever - One Direction

Louder - Chris Willis 

Donald Trump - Mac Miller

Entertainment - Sean Paul

Holy Grail - Jay Z

Like a Champion - Selena Gomez

Roar - Katy Perry

Royals - Lorde

Swagger Jagger - Cher Lloyd

23 -Mike Will Made-It Feat Miley Cyrus 

Wrecking Ball -Miley Cyrus

We Can't Stop - Miley Cyrus

Turn the Night Up -Enrique Iglesias

Get Down with The Sickness - Skrillex Remix

Remember the Name - Fort Minor

People Like Us - Kelly Clarkson

Rock THe Body - Bob Sinclar

23 was the song that got me across the finish line at my 5K

What songs gets you going??

Have a wonderful wednesday!!

-J

Race/Birthday Weekend Recap&T25 Progress

Good morning lovely ladies!!!!

The work week is back is sccchwwwwing, and I'm okay with that. I'm still buzzin' off my weekend high.

And sheeee'ss sooo hiiiiiiiggggghhh above me, she's so lovely.... no? okay moving on...

For my birthday this last weekend the hubs and I had a little overnight vacation, did some shopping and enjoyed Olive Garden...and I ran my first officially timed 5K race.

Ahhhhhh shit.

Well first off it was forty some degrees. It was so FREAKING cold, If I had balls, I would of done froze them off.

I do love my Under Armour Cold gear though, well worth the money. Even with layered tops I still ended up throwing the long sleeve race shirt on on top of everything. Yeah it was that cold... or maybe I'm a wuss...nahhh It was just that cold.

I was as nervous as a whore in church. To this date my fastest 5K time was 28:50 and my goal was to 

A- run it under 30, PR or tie previous time

B- not fall on my face

There was also a 15K going on at the same time and they started us all together so there was a cluster of peoples. I'm all nervous over here waiting for the gun and then I turned up my music and just kinda settled into my zone. I had my Garmin on, but I'm horrible about watching my time and criticizing myself, luckily it was a town Im not really familiar with so I tried to distract my mind and look at the city itself, that worked for the most part, I still kept checking my pace. Up until about half way through mile 2 then I just started running with my heart. I know that sounds corny as hell, but for real I just started pep talking myself (anyone else do this?) in my head. Telling myself how proud I was, how far Ive come, no matter the time I did good today and that seemed to help boost the self esteem factor, that and one of the safety monitors at the last turn gave me a high five. This was also around the time where for some reason I wanted to walk, but I kept telling myself that I hadn't walk in a race before, why now? I knew that if I walked when I really didn't need to, I would have let myself down and regretted it later. So with my pep talk replaying and an uplifting mood after a random high 5 I pushed through. A little bit of kindness can go a long ways ya'll. After that I just told myself you got this, now GO! When it came close to the finish line and I could see it, I gave it every last bit that I had, I pushed myself to go hard, cold sore muscles and snot running down my face I kicked it into full gear and crossed the finish line feeling accomplished. My mom was taking pictures and she had my Cyclone Cup full of Rehydrate by Advocare and I wanted a big swig of that more than anything...for some odd reason I threw up moments after crossing. I've never thrown up from running but it was mostly mucus-y crud. I had to chase my mom down because she said after she saw my face and knew what was coming she got out of the danger zone. I kept following her cause I just wanted a damn drink!

My official time was 26:07 I felt so proud, I almost started crying. I finished 43rd overall and got 2nd in my age group (20-29) females. I almost lost it. I had met each one of my goals that day and placed???? I was on cloud 9!!! That was the best feeling in the world. I never thought I was going to place. Proud doesn't even began to describe how I felt. When I first started running, I couldn't make it a minute, I did the C25K program and at the end of it, I barely ran the 5K in 45 minutes. I was a mess. Now here I was 9 1/2 months later, almost 70lbs lighter, running 3.1 miles in 26 minutes and placing 2nd in my age group?!?!? I knew right then that all those bad days, the days I didn't want to workout, the days I ate crap food, over ate, slept in instead of working out, had what ever it was didn't matter. Alls that really mattered was the days where I did good, because those where the days that shaped and led up to this race. They were the road itself, the others were just speed bumps along the way.

It was a good day. Met up with an old friend, medaled and pr'd. I went back to the hotel took a power nap and the hubs and I showered up and we were off for some shopping. We had a good time at the mall and finished the day with a meal at Olive Garden and some Starbucks for the way home. I was a tired gal, I had to work early and late the days before so I was low on sleep so we got home I passed out on the couch and the hubs played some Grand Theft Auto 5. We live such exciting lives.

.....FOCUS....

So today was my first day of the Beta phase of Focus T25, I was nervous, I was scared I almost just wanted to quit before it began. But I forced my self to hit play and Shaun T mesmerized me into working out and sweating my balls off.

This is how I felt after. Shocked by the intensity but proud I finished.

A lot of the times I never want to workout, but a few minutes in I remember why I like it so much and then when I'm done I always feel so amazing.

As promised here are my before and afters of the Alpha Phase:

Weight wise (thats another story, the scale and I aren't speaking right now), I'm about the same but inches and definition wise I'm definitely improving!!

Since its only a 5 day a week program, 25 minutes a day, I'm pretty impressed with the results so far, and I'm noticing improvements on my running times because of the cross training.

So, how was your weekend???

Have a good Monday!

-J

Birthday Weekend: The Beginning {{5onFriday}}

Happy Friday Everyone!!!!

Its official.

I'm old balls now.

22. 

Damn.

So finally after working through my birthday, I'm off for Friday and Saturday and the hubs and I are are taking a super duper mini vacation. Sometimes its just nice to get out of town, your house and just getaway for the weekend. Even if its just one night.

I'm linking up with the always awesome Darci over at The Good Life Blog!

{{uno}}

My mom posted these cute snapshots of me to Facebook for my birthday. I love them. Not to pat myself on the back but darn i'm adorable. Well I guess I'd actually have to pat my parents on the back for my cuteness...

{{dos}}

I just finished reading It Starts With Food. It was super informative and helped re-open my eyes to why I choose to eat the way I do. They offered a few new ideas in their book that I'm currently trying and adapting to my diet. My girl Kaslin over at Kaslin Tells All is rocking it on the Whole 30 Program. Maybe I'll be able to get her to share some insight with us soon?!

{{tres}}

Today marked my final day in the Alpha Stage of Focus T25. That's 5 weeks with this program. For those of you that don't know, this is quite the accomplishment for me. When I was at my largest and before I actually committed to my lifestyle change. One of my many MANY MAAANNNYYY failed attempts at diet and exercise was Insanity. I started that bitch like 5 times and never made it through the first week. So I feel extremely proud already to have made it through 5 weeks of this Shaun T program!!! I will have some progress snapshots up on Monday ;) Not going to lie Beta Stage scares me AHHHH the humanity!

Anyone else doing T25?

{{quatro}}

my FABULOUS hubby, knows me all to well. For my birthday he ordered me a Diamond Candle. It was supposed to be here by my birthday but theres some obvious errors with the postal system currently and it seems to be delayed. I'm hoping it arrives today. I can't wait to see what scent he got and to find my ring -- big money big money no whammy no whammy STAAAHP!. He had to break down and tell me he ordered the candle so I would know he got me something and didn't forget me! He's too sweet. But he refused to let me know the scent. SO I'm super pumped!! I may or may not be obsessed with candles, scentsy and all things smelly good.

Have you had a Diamond Candle before?

{{cinco}}

For my pre race meal and as a little birthday treat I'm going to actually eat Hong Kong Chinese food with the hubs tonight. I usually just have a salad. But tonight I'm going to have some meat and veggies! Watch out world I'm getting CRAY CRAY on the buffet! -- Well pretty out of the box for me...

Whats your weekend plans??

Live it up ladies!!

-J

Full Body Burner Crossfit Style {{WOW link up}}

Today rocks.

Not only is it HUMP day.

 It's my Thursday. 

Better yet

It's my birthday eve.

BOOM.

I can't wait for our mini weekend getaway/shopping extravaganza!

Speaking of birthday...did you enter my give away on instagram??? I'll draw a winner tomorrow! Come on, who doesn't want a starbucks giftcard?

I'm getting so INCREDIBLY nervous for my race Saturday. It's my first official timed 5K. I haven't ran a 30 minutes for months, I've been staying well under, but I'm paranoid I'm going to fail and run like a 45 minute race...ugh.

As for training this week, I'm trying to KILL it diet wise. Stay perfectly on track and get in all my water CHUGTOBER BABY! My workouts I've backed off a teensy bit so I don't over train but am doing extra stretching/yoga routines to keep me limber.

As you aaaalllllllll probably know. I love me some crossfit. It's the perfect blend of exercises to create and over all tone.

I have the AWESOME workout for you today as I link up with the always inspiring Skinny Meg for Workout Wednesday.

Give this baby a go...

When I added in crossfit instead of just running or ab workouts, I began to tone up quite a bit, I began losing inches and gaining muscle mass.

I love transformation pictures. They definitely keep me going when I'm ready to quit.

Here I am in the middle end of March when I was down 30lbs and now almost 40 more pounds later here I am again. 

Gah. 

I can't believe it. 

Do you have some awesome transformation pictures? I'd love to see em!

Do you do crossfit? 

What's your favorite workout?

-J