This is going to be kind of a long one, please bare with me, but as timehop reminded me that three years ago I was getting my wedding pictures back and I began to really reflect on myself. I realized as I caught a glimpse of myself that I'm not the woman my husband married, I'm a new woman, and that just comes with the journey I guess when you go from being 250 lbs on your wedding day, 228 lbs at the beginning of the journey and 158 as she writes this today.
To My Husband,
I'm not the woman you married, mentally or physically. It isn't that I love you any less then I do the day I married you. Actually I love you more. Going through the daily struggles of young adult hood and marriage together has made my love grow stronger and even into a new love. It is no longer the teenage lust like love that draws me to you or any of those things. I look at you differently, I look at you as the man who works to help fund our life, the man who is always going to be there for love and support. So as I tell you how I've changed, please realize that I love you no less.
I'm not the woman you married, or for that fact the girl you started dating. The girl you first asked for her phone number from, was young, she was naive, and believed the world held endless possibilities. That girl was in highschool, trying to figure out where to go to college, and the biggest decision she had was which outfit to wear to school and what time to leave the party to make it home by curfew. That girl faded, that girl dissolved into the young lady who you continued to date and the young lady you asked to marry you. That young lady was in school full time, working full time, learning responsibilities and how to balance them while still filling the day with endless daydreams of what the future would hold. That young lady was growing into who she would be. She spent her days in a city far from home and far from you. She longed for your company and weekend visits and tried to find the balance between school, work and a social life. That girl was homesick, a lot. She was overwhelmed with the world around her. She knew she wanted to be with you but the stigma of being to young rattled her. She was scared and insecure still. She still had a lot of growing to do to be the woman she needed to be.
The woman you married, she had put on weight, she wasn't happy with herself, she was insecure. That woman was 20 years old, fresh out of college, starting her first career, paying rent, paying bills, buying a car, the young carefree girl who saw all the possibilities in the world, and now she was developing responsibility tunnel vision. The woman, while she was trying to learn to be a wife was still learning to be an adult. This was a hard time. She wasn't me and she wasn't who I wanted to be. Her and you went through a lot of rough times and a lot of good ones too. These times overwhelmed her, and it consumed her. The stigma of young marriage still echoed for her. Her friends were all still in college, they were single, they were in relationships, they went out to the bars and the clubs, they took trips, they had a lot of freedom she didn't. This wore on her, she felt she lost a lot of friends, because her responsibilities took priority over getting to go on a trip that weekend. She wasn't included in somethings because she was married and her friends didn't know how to handle it so they left her out. She clung to you because you were the only friend she could truly count on. She was so insecure with the weight she had gained, the friends she'd lost and the feeling that she could fail any moment at the relationship or at the responsibilities. She hid herself in over sized t shirts and hoodies, she stole your clothes until they were too small.She had one pair of jeans that fit, they were ripped up and she patched them each time she busted the seams. She had three dress shirts she could fit into and she always just hoped you would love her and find her beautiful. She lost sight of who she wanted to be. She settled for the woman she became instead of striving to be the woman she wanted to be. It took that woman some time and some soul searching.
That woman finally started to find a way out of the rut, she started losing weight, she gained confidence, she changed jobs, you two bought a new car, you traded cars, you moved to a new place, she works out, she had new goals to grow with, she has fallen into an age that more people are married, its easier to find friends or be included for her. She was changing. You didn't take it very good to begin with. You pulled back from her, you questioned her and her motives. At that time she thought you doubted her, which made her push harder. In reality you really just didn't want to lose her. She wasn't going anywhere, she was just growing into the woman she wanted to be.
As you know, I'm not the woman you married. I love you, but I wear high heels now, I dress up for work and for dates. I dress up because for once I feel confident in clothes, I want you to be proud of me and want to show me off. The woman you married weighed 250 pounds in that size 18W corset back wedding dress. That woman hit the drive through for lunch, ate a entire cheesecake by herself, drank 42 oz of soda a day and spent her spare time on the couch. The woman you come home to each night, shes a lot lighter at 158, her clothes are half the size and most of them have been purchased in the last two years because of the weight loss. This woman counts her calories and her macros, she drinks water like a fish. This woman will go out to eat once, maybe twice a week for a cheat meal, this woman won't always eat the same meal as you, she won't eat take out or go get a drink, but she will eat at the same time as you, she will go get the take out with you, she will go get a drink with you but she'll take her iced tea. You haven't lost her, she is still here, she just has different goals now. Through this all she has gained confidence, she has found her voice, she found herself. Who she wanted to be, who she became and who she grew into today.
I'm not the woman you married, I spend my free time at the gym and get angry when I miss a day, but I also get angry when I miss an opportunity to spend time with you on a date or on the couch. It has taken a long time for me to get to this point. To finally feel like I have control and balance on all aspects of my life. I finally after at least three years of not liking who I was, like who I am. I have that responsibility tunnel vision, but I've also learned to be able to turn it off and spend time carefree. I'm not sorry that I'm not the woman you married, but I am sorry that at times through my personal journey if affected you. It made you think I wasn't happy with you or our relationship. I had a lot going on internally and a lot of the times I just wasn't happy with myself or my progress. So all in all, I'm not the woman you married, but I am the woman who wants to spend the rest of her life with you. I am the woman who loves you, loves movie nights on the couch and waking up next to you. I am the woman who I need to be and was meant to be all a long.
-Your Wife For Always