Thick Thursday Throwback-- Being Big and Emotional Eating..

A lot of you have been asking lately, how I was when I was bigger, what daily routine was like back then. How I got started and how I stay motivated. 

As yooouuuu wiiiisssssshhhh. 

Anyone? Anyone??

Princess Bride, c'mon. 

Not to long ago I did a nice juicy post about how I got bigger and how I decided to change, to see that go HERE. To see my breaking points, the things that really struck home with me and made me want to change go HERE. 

I'm getting more and more comfortable sharing more and more details about the old me and old habits. You wanted it and your going to get it.

Everyone has this misconception that I changed overnight, eating healthy came easy to me and that making time to do food prep and exercise  just naturally fell into my lap.

WRONG

I have worked hard. I have failed but I have picked myself back up again. I have struggled. I STILL struggle.

I want to eat like shit and not have to worry.  

I can't do that though.

Not to look how I want to look.

Fit and healthy.

I used to be secret eater. I would eat what I ate in front of people, then eat large amounts of food behind closed doors and hide the evidence.

It was bad.

I would run to WalMart to get whatever while the hub was at home, those cheesecake samplers? Yeah I'd buy one of those and shovel it down on the drive home and throw the trash out on the way. I'd get home and a few hours later the hubs would want supper and me being lazy would bribe him with the treat of takeout, I'd lie about the length of time It'd take to cook something so he'd be more driven to go to the drive through. We'd hit up McDonalds, I'd get a Large Big Mac Meal and soda. Yeah Id throw that back after eating a cheesecake. 

I told you I was pathetic.

It gets worse.

I'd get off work before he got home and go through Sonic and get Mozzarella sticks, cheddar bites and a frappe. I'd go park beside the park and shovel it down, then drive home like nothing happened. He'd get home and want supper, so I threw some plastic bullshit in the oven. We'd eat some shitty high calorie frozen meal and then I would lay around on the couch all night.

I was OUT OF CONTROL. 

Why I ate like that I have no idea, but obviously I knew it was wrong because I was hiding it. 

One time he went to a meeting for work so I was left by myself for supper, I ordered one of those dinner boxes from Pizza Hut, it had the pizza, breadsticks and the choco dunkers it it. I'd eat the whole damn thing and wash it down with the big bag of sour patch kids and chocolate milk, all while laying in front of the tv.

I'd lie to myself that I'd go for a five minute walk and that would make it better, I'd make excuses as to why I NEEDED to eat that shit.

I was/am an emotional eater. I ate my feelings, every last one of them, hell I ate anyones feelings. Worse yet, I didn't move. I sat around on the couch or laid there for hours on hours on end. Walking up a flight of stairs winded me. Hell walking to the fridge winded me.

To eat how I eat now, takes ever fiber of my being to maintain my self control. I had to relearn portion sizes and caloric intake. I struggle at every meal, because I'm full, but I think I WANT to eat that candy bar or hell what ever I can see. But now I KNOW better. I tell myself I DONT NEED  it and I walk away or I step on it or throw it away. At work I was about to cave and go after a candy bar someone left behind but at the last second, I threw it on the ground stepped on it and tossed it in the trash. I felt so empowered by that. I walked away and the "hunger" left. 

Yes I still have "cheat days" I enjoy the not so good things every now and then, but I'm working on control. I will ALWAYS be working on control. I think to myself about how I was back then and I know I don't want to go back to that. 

When I'm craving shit food and want to eat the whole kitchen and anyone who stands in my way, I go do a quick workout or go for  little run. It eases my mind and makes me remember why I love being healthy now.

EVER.

One time I had to make a cake for something at work and I actually made two...hell I didn't even make the second one. While the first was cooking I ate the batter for the second one and then spoonful by spoonful I ate the icing. I was eating AT LEAST 5 times the amount of calories then than I eat now. I eat the recommended calories now. I was keeping myself fat and didn't realize it. 

I was always in denial, and I lied to myself.

I'd start a "diet" for a few days, then see no movement on the scale and then I'd bound into the kitchen and drown my sorrows in a box of mac and cheese and a few hot dogs.

Thinking back to how I ate then, makes me sick.

I was severely harming myself.

I was putting myself at risk for a countless number of diseases and health risks...it really  was just sad and pathetic...

Now when I don't see the number on the scale move, I take a deep breath, step back, and go stand in front of the mirror. I stare at myself and point out the changes and compliment myself. I also take a TON of pictures. Pictures don't lie, they let me see the progress. I only lost a few pounds last month, but the inches I lost according to the pictures was astounding. I remind myself daily that muscle weighs more than fat just takes up less space, then I look up motivational quotes and that usually calms my mind and I'm able to move on.

Don't let yourself get discouraged so easily, don't be so hard on yourself. You are making progress each day. One bad day doesn't define you. It DOESN'T undo all of your hard work, take a deep breath and start fresh the next morning. You WILL bounce back and be fine. 

Progress NOT perfection. 

Its hard. I understand. 

Find some one to talk to when your feeling low, don't have anyone? Email me, I'm here for you guys. That was my whole goal with this blog. Not only accountability for myself but to help and inspire at least one other person. Because I had no one to go to in my darkest days of weight. I want to help people so they can feel the success and pride that I do.

For some straight out "tips" go HERE. If you want personalized help with a particular problem you are having, email me! I'll help you figure out a solution. 

Easy as pie, 

but not pie, cause pie isn't good for you....unless its cheat day or a holiday, then it doesn't count right?

I do my best to eat well and workout daily. But I still fall off the wagon and I forget how far I have come. I have to remind myself daily that I have made leaps and bounds and no longer let fat define who I am.

Here are some great before and afters for you that will show you anything is possible. I mean I freaking did/do it. So can you. I ate an entire cheesecake with my hand in a car while driving and I can make the progress, SO CAN YOU!

February 2013 - September 1 2013

June 2012 - August 2013

July 2012 - August 2013

Candid photos always show what I would work so hard to hide. And on my wedding days of all days the saying "what you eat in private you wear in public" rang true.

Just because I hid what I ate, didn't make not gain anything..

I need to see these things, I need to remember why I started and why I work hard every day to be the best me I can be.

And for those wondering I'm down around 66 pounds since I started my journey on 1-1-13, I have achieved more than I ever fathomed possible.

It just goes to prove, anything is possible, you just have to really want it and stop making excuses!

It'll be worth it a year from now when you look back and instead of wishing you started your admiring your progress!

Hopefully this answered a bunch of your questions, as always if you have more questions or want to know something, ask! 

- J